I wake up most days lately with an all over body ache that doesn’t go away. With it is a frequent headache that sits low on the base of my skull, enough pain to say “Hey, I’m here. Na na.”
I don’t want to get up. The comfort of layers of blankets calls like a Siren. I sleep in fits, dreams elude me. I know I’m not sleeping well or deeply if I don’t remember having dreamt. To stay is almost death, to get up means facing…well, everything. Facing the house, its clutter and dust, dirty dishes and unfolded laundry, and all the chores that have accumulated and been neglected. I just can’t.
I am overwhelmed. I want darkness, and quiet. No, I want silence. I do not want distractions, annoyances, sound. I want to cry.
I find myself jealous for things and situations of other women that I shouldn’t be. “Why does she get ____, and I don’t?” This isn’t usually me. Or maybe it is me, and the darkness of this depression is brining it up so I can deal with it. I’m not angry and have no malice. I’m just jealous. I don’t like this feeling, and feeling it makes me feel like I’m slipping deeper.
My doctor upped my meds. It’s been a couple of weeks. How soon before I feel the effects? Have they started taking effect and I’m slipping farther just as fast?
I try to pray, and talk to God. The words just aren’t there. All that comes is Fix me.
Dear Lord, fix me.